It seems almost daily since August 3rd of last year I am trying to figure out what is acceptable of my feelings towards my father who came suddenly into my life – then out again, abruptly…too soon….too painful.
I constantly am wondering if I’m allowed to continue to be sad or heartbroken. Am I allowed to express that some days it just hurts and admit that most days I cry in the shower still – in fear of what others will feel or think.
I also wonder how many blog posts can I write about Losing my father since May 28th before people tell me to “get over it”….?
This week has been rough so far. I have been bracing myself for impact as Today,
November 18th is his birthday. This time last year I was able to tell him Happy Birthday for the first time in many years – the first time I ever remember, actually. Even though he had forgotten mine just two months earlier, I remembered his – and wanted him to know I was thinking of it. I’ll Never forget the excitement “how did you know!?” Like it was the first time anyone had ever celebrated him. Of course it wasn’t, but it was the first time I had. The first time and the last time.
Right before he died, I told him I loved him. This is so huge on so many levels. I have to be honest and admit I did it more for him than for me – recently I’ve been wondering If I wouldn’t have said it – would he have held out a little longer. Like – was that “I love you and I forgive you” what he was waiting on. I hate myself for it some Days. Some days I feel like I have him permission to die. I feel guilt. A painful pit in my stomach – what if I just would have not said that….
Today, I’ll cry a little more. I’ll listen to his voicemails which I’ll never delete, just so I can hear his voice again. “HI Kristen, this is your dad” in his Texas twang and always short of breath due to his really crappy heart. Today, I’ll Regret a lifetime of stuff, be thankful for the moments and talks that we had….wish with all my heart I could have helped him win some health battles, hate myself a little for failing and hate him a little for leaving, again.
But mostly I’ll just miss him today. I wish he was here still. I wish I could Pick up my phone and call him to say Happy Birthday but Instead, in the quiet moments of today, I’ll imagine him celebrating with Jesus. I’ll send him a text today…. Just because I’m not over it. No matter how many blog
Posts I write, or how many May 28ths or November 18ths that come and go – I just can’t imagine being over it.
Today I’m going to pretend you can get my texts in heaven. Happy Birthday, I’ll always remember….