Oh Father’s Day. You’ve done it again this year. You’ve made me realize how lucky I am, yet broken my heart at the same time. You’re good like that.
Today is a whirlwind of emotions. First and foremost I’m thankful. I’m thankful that 30 years ago, a wonderful man “picked me” and my mom. I’m thankful that I NEVER missed out on having a dad. I never was a girl who cried because I didn’t have a dad to take home Father’s Day cards to. Or missed out on a daddy daughters shin-dig of any sort. Thankful that I had a dad to teach me to ride a bike or play sports – (which he must have sucked at because I don’t know how to ride a bike in my thirties and absolutely would die if I tried to play any sort of sport). Thankful I had a daddy who was there for my then boyfriend to ask “can I marry your daughter”, thankful I had that dad to walk me down the isle after he saw me for the first time in my wedding dress and fell to his knees with tears. Thankful I had that daddy-daughter dance. Thankful for the dad who cried when I told him he was going to be a grandpa, thankful for that same dad that wore a corny Tshirt at the hospital on the day of delivery making are everyone knew he was a grandad. Thankful for his times by my side holding me up when I had sick babies. Thankful that three weeks ago when I lost another very critical man “in my life” – the text I received from him which was so selfless and loving and the fact I know this dad of mine loves me and my kids so much. I’m thankful that I’ve learned the lesson that blood does not make you a family –
I’m thankful that I found another man in my life 14 years ago. A man who loved all of me. Who laughs at my jokes, rolls his eyes at my obnoxious singing and dancing. Supports me through all of my crazy ideas. Loves me when I’m crying and when I’m Laughing. Thankful for a man who has physically and emotionally held me up in my worst moments and praised me in my best moments. Thankful for a man who gave me three amazing kids. Thankful he doesn’t pack his bags and run away during crazy loud-misbehaved days. Thankful for his laid back spirit. Thankful that I found a man who loves me so unconditionally and is no doubt, my soul mate. Thankful for this man who is teaching my daughter what type of man she should marry and teaches my boys what kind of man they should be.
Then comes more emotion today. Last year, on Fathers Day, I wrote a blog wondering what it would be like for this other man to comeback into my life. This man who is half of the reason I’m alive today. Then he did. He found and read my blog, and we began this relationship. I thought, after ten months, today would be the day I could also say “Happy Father’s Day” to a third man in my life – for the first time. But, today, he is not here again.
Today, though I am so thankful….I’m sad. and feeling guilty. I’m feeling guilty that while I should just be appreciative for these GREAT men in my life who have made me what I am today – I feel like I’m missing out on so much today. I have an empty feeling. I’m sad he’s gone. I’m sad that even if he had spent his whole life being my “dad” – today would be the first time I would have not been able to say “Happy Fathers Day” to him. I’m sad that today, I would have texted him. And called him. And would have sent a card in the mail with the kids pictures and given him something to be happy about for this day. I’m sad that I can’t.
So, today, this Father’s Day….I Will be so thankful. I’ll be so blessed for the man that raised me, that loves me, that I love and call dad. I’ll be thankful for the man who picked me to be his wife, for the man who started his life becoming an amazing father with me by his side. I’ll also be thankful for the man who came into my life ten months ago and for the love and relationship we had for this short-short time. And I’ll be sad too, I’ll let myself cry in the bathroom on the floor, and I’ll let my self be a little mad he left again – but most of all, I’ll remain thankful that I’m able to experience this gut wrenching emotion because that only means for the past ten months there was something that developed between us that I’ve learned is worth missing and being sad about.
This year, Father’s Day – you’ve got me good. Here’s to hoping next year is a little better….