I haven’t formally written a blog in a while. I think about things to write about, come up with ideas and topics and will write things on my iPad or phone. Most of these things are SO personal and I’m not quite ready to share with the world, so they sit there, tucked away for now at least. But, this is something I need to let out. In hopes that the right person will read it. It is also my own way of dealing with some emotions that I can’t even identify which I’ve experienced over many years. These emotions over the past year seem to have grown. Is it anger, sadness, distrust? I don’t even know – it is just a feeling. A gut feeling that I can’t even name, but have had for so many years that just won’t go away. This post is raw and very real.

Here we are again, Father’s Day Week and as silly as it sounds, sometimes Father’s Day brings a mix of emotions for me. Many of you do not know that my “dad” is not my biological father. This almost hurts me to even say. Because, this man whom I call dad, I honestly forget he is not my biological father. I’m pretty sure he loved me before he loved my mom (haha, I tell myself that all the time). He married my mom when I was just a toddler. I never knew a life before him and don’t have any memories without him. I don’t even remember a time where I didn’t call him dad. He’s taught me the milestones and important parts in life. He has picked me up when I’ve fallen down and skinned elbows and knees. He was the one who tried to teach me to ride a bike, and the one now that knows I still don’t know how to ride one! He has been there for every holiday, every sleep over, every report card, every eye roll, every door slam, every first day of school, every school dance, every graduation. He has seen me fail and seen me triumph. He has given endless hours and energy to making sure I NEVER went without. He has been there with a hooked arm walking me down the aisle, been in the waiting room for countless hours while I birthed three grandbabies he adores more than anything, and cried and supported me as any daddy would when my babies were sick. He’s been my protector, he’s loved me like he loves his “own” biological kids and I have no doubt, this man would give his life for me if necessary. He’s my dad. He’s the man I love most in this entire world – other than the amazing man I married.

I start with that because it is important. I’ve never been without a dad. I actually have the BEST dad ever. But, for that best dad ever to have entered my life – it just means that there was another man who walked out of it. Not just once, but multiple times. In and out. A constant inconsistency. I think he loves me, he just didn’t know how to show it. He didn’t know how to be present and he didn’t know how to put someone other than himself first. For years I struggled with this. For years I’ve held on to anger. I’ve not wanted to forgive. I’ve said I have, I’ve actually said “I forgive but I can’t forget”. I lied – I never forgave. When I did speak to him, I wanted an explanation. I wanted him to tell me why he left me and why he couldn’t stay. I wanted a magical answer to make me feel better about the 30+ years he’s missed out on. Then, when he tried to say he was sorry – I just got angrier because he didn’t have a good enough reason. Recently though, I’ve realized – there will NEVER be a good enough reason as to why one leaves their child. I’ve realized, I’m asking him for something that is impossible. He will NEVER be able to supply me with an answer that will make me feel better about all the years he’s missed. About the tears that he’s caused and all the tears he’s not been there to wipe away or the happy moments he’s never been able to experience with me.

Three nights ago, I laid in bed with Abigail. I held her tight and we talked about the future and how she was going to do great things. I began to cry wondering if he at any point when he held me as an infant or toddler, he would have thought that his first born child he’d leave and not be able to hold and experience life with. I can’t imagine now, leaving my kids. I just can’t. I also can’t wrap my mind around trying to make sense of the fact that my own flesh and blood just didn’t want me? There are times, I wonder what I could have done different. There are times where I wonder what I can do to make him love me more….

So, here I am. With this “idea” of who my biological father is. It is only an idea now, as our memories and times are foggy and almost seem as if I’m making them up in my mind simply because I don’t remember. I have now a new set of emotions. I don’t think it is anger or sadness, but curiosity. What if….? But with that comes guilt. A HUGE ball of guilt. I often think about my dad – the dad that is all I’ve known – would he be hurt that a part of me desires to know this other man as my father too? I fear and worry that this desire would only be a smack in the face to the amazing dad he has been to me. And I think about my kids. Selfishly I do not want them to know any man as their grandfather other than the amazing man who is their “Big Daddy” who I know for a fact would do anything for them. I do not want my kids to be let down, or to miss someone once that person decides they can’t be present anymore.

I’m not angry anymore, I don’t think. I just don’t understand and I’m afraid I will never. Sure, I’m sad at the times that he missed out on – yet, I feel perhaps even more sad for him. I had a dad during these moments in my life – but this man, he didn’t have a daughter. He didn’t get to experience “that side” of things and he will never get that back. Again, my wanting to explore this relationship – it isn’t because I’m lacking of anything because I’m not. I guess, I just can’t wrap my head around why I’m not loved or wanted by the one person who should always love and want me no matter what? Can we mend things now? Is it too late? Is it worth it? AM I WORTH IT?
On a different note – I don’t even know if you will read this dad, but I love you. Thank you for raising me. Thank you for loving me and being there for me. Thank you for NEVER treating me like anything other than your daughter. Thank you for protecting me and saving me from a life without a dad. I firmly believe that because of your presence in my life – I was given opportunities I would not have otherwise had.

So, I close these random thoughts with this – If this gets to you, somehow Steve – I want you to know that although I will never understand the whys – I’ve got to stop being angry. Not really for you – but for me. You walking out on my life – gave me the opportunity to experience an amazing dad and I never once look at him as my “step dad”, but the dad I love with my whole heart and a dad I know loves me with his. So, I’m thankful. I’m thankful that despite a life-long insecurity wondering what I could have done to make you want me – and wondering deep down, if I’m not loveable, I snap out of it because of what I do have. I’m thankful that I didn’t turn out to be “another girl with daddy issues”. With that, I’m open to some sort of relationship. I almost feel like perhaps I need that with you….? …But, perhaps this is all falling on deafs ears?

Who knows what will become of things? What I do know, is I’ve got to face my emotions and put on my big girl pants, get over things and be thankful that I turned out alright.