This is sort of a long post, but I think there are some valid points which I would like to share with my friends and others who haven’t had children yet and are in the stage of life where you are all judgy-mc-judgerton.  I was really thinking tonight as I sat in the passenger seat of my mini van listening to Beauty and the Beast on the DVD player drowned out by the screams from my lovely children…. My life is a hell of a lot different than I ever imagined and BOY, how I have eaten my words.

Before I was a mom….I was the PERFECT MOM. I had all of the answers!!  I never listened to advice, always judged others. Swore my life would be sooooooo different. HA. Just HA.

So I made a list of ten things (no possible way I could actually write the full list and expect you to read it) I swore I would never do before I had kids – that I totally do now! All of you peeps who aren’t moms yet, listen up….

1. “My kid will never act like that!”
Yes, yes they will. Unless you are a Duggar your kid will inevitably have a complete meltdown over a bag of M&Ms in Target. (Or in my case, a lot of meltdowns) You then, will more than likely grab that bag of M&Ms and shove them in your child’s mouth to buy you five seconds of peace so you can actually think about why you were there to begin with. Oh, that’s right…diapers.

2. Speaking of diapers…. “My kid will be potty trained by the time they are two.”
Okay. Let me know how that ‘letting your kid run around naked’ thing works for you. And PS….boys don’t mind pissing in every corner and sitting in crappy pants. Actually, when Jackson poops, if you ask him if he just did, he throws his hands up like he scored a touchdown and shouts “yeahhhhhh”.

3. “My kids will never sleep in the bed with me.”
This was my biggest ‘no-no’ pre-kids. I’m a nurse, the whole SIDS thing actually happens. I’ve seen it. It’s terrifying. I’m not by any means condoning this action. I must say, however, three kids later, I have successfully passed on any sleep for the first three months of life because I basically sleep sitting up, with one eye open, with no blankets or pillows around me so my infants have quick access to the boobs. Boys, seem to looooove their mamma and mine personally never sleep for at least the first 12 weeks unless it’s in their mamma’s arms.

4. “I will be a MILF. I will never leave the house lookin’ hot mess express like her.”
See number three. After countless nights of no sleep, you will officially look like death more than 50% of the time and 50% of that time you won’t care. All I have to say is thank God for drive thru Starbucks. They have saved my life with this third baby!!

5. “I will never yell like that or spank my kids.”
This is a tough one. Nobody wants to ever admit any guilt to this. As a mom, I have officially lost my temper. I have raised my voice and not that my children seem to mind when I have literally lost my cool and done everything short of kicking and screaming while rolling around on the den floor, yelling at the top of my lungs. They just look at me for a minute then carry on. So I’ve learned it’s not worth it to waste my energy or breath. I have also, in desperate attempt to grab their attention, popped a hand or leg. This again, doesn’t work for me. So, I guess my initial thinking of never spanking or yelling at my kids – I should have gone with. Now I just find myself carrying on as if don’t hear the blood curdling screams because they aren’t getting what they want, or ignoring the toys that are being chucked at my head (I’ve gotten good at dodging things and am considering professional dodge ball) and am excellent at stepping over their bodies like I don’t even see them – as they roll around on the floor kicking and thrashing around like little fish out of water in attempt to make me forget that I’ve said no one thousand times and cave in.

6. “My house will remain clean and my laundry will always be done so when they sleep, I will.”
Cleaning my house during the day is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. I’m convinced that this last two weeks if CPS would have come into my house they may have deemed me unfit. I finally got to cleaning my crazy mess this past Friday. It feels great to have a clean house, but sometimes other things just take priority. Also, my fancy dining room table is basically my laundry collector.

7. “My kids will never go out of the house looking like TPT.”
My daughter is very spirited. She never really matches. Ever. If she’s not in a princess outfit, she is wearing an outfit that looks like a schizophrenic with some crazy personalities picked out her outfit. Whatever. Battle isn’t worth fighting. If I can get her bathed, teeth brushed, hair brushed and out the door on time, I consider this a win.

8. “I will lose weight and not lose my body once I have kids.”
HAHAHAHAH. After three kids, the only reason I am losing any weight is because I have a baby to my boob sucking out all of my calories while I’m burning more chasing around two other kids. And my meals for the day mostly consist of water and peanut butter crackers.

9. “My kids will be healthy kids and I will never allow them to play with electronics the way they let their kids.”
Okay. My four year old has a tablet and will be getting an iPad for her 5th birthday so she’ll stop stealing mine and my 20 month old knows how to work my iPad and iPhone better than I do. When we go on long car drives, the only thing that gets me through is movies on our DVD player. And, I will not lie, sometimes after a day of fighting – my kids will eat sour cream and onion chips in front of the TV so I can just breath for two seconds and give them calories before bed….even if they are empty calories and a pre-req for diabetes!

10. Finally…..famous last words “I will never drive a mini van.”
All I have to say, is Big Blue is sitting in my drive way right now with three car seats packed in. It is the BEST thing ever. My butt stays warm, kids watch DVDs, I can crawl all around that bad boy to do whatever needs to be done (such as let my four year old girl pee in a McDonalds cup while stranded in a long line to see the Christmas lights at the beach). I LOVE my swag-wagon.

Never say Never folks and never judge. My guess is because most people (including myself) that I know are pretty screwed up in one way or another – there hasn’t been the perfect parent who did it all right yet!!

Driving away from the dealership in 2013 with Big Blue!